Can't take the fandom out of the girl

[lucymonster]

Mood of the day: the abject mortification of hitting 'post' on a giftfic comment so long overdue that you're not even sure the author wants to hear from you anymore. I'm nearly done digging my way out of the overdue comments hole, and feeling very guilty at having left so many beautiful fics sitting unacknowledged for so long. (This is not me fishing for reassurance, btw. Life happened to me and I wouldn't un-happen it for anything, but it happened in a way that must have been hurtful and disappointing to people who worked hard to make me something nice. I'm sitting at a gently remorseful midpoint on the 'no big deal' to 'I'm the scum of the earth' spectrum, which I figure is probably a fair place to be.)

I'm starting to feel the itch to be back in fandom again, and especially to be back in exchanges. I just need to be a lot more realistic about what I can commit to under my new life circumstances. I don't have the same amount of free time as before, and even in what free time I do have, I don't always have the energy for productive fandom stuff. More than anything it's just a huge mental shift to make, because I've always tended to be pretty all or nothing about my hobbies. Like, I've never really done just a little bit of something I'm into - either I don't care enough to bother at all, or I get super intense and pour all my available energy into it. (My husband has suffered a lot from this tendency. All those TV shows he's fallen seasons behind on in the vain hope I'd someday stir myself to watch them with him! And then he takes me to see one (1) Star Wars movie and gets years of Kylo Ren Hell for his efforts.)

But the fact that I can't go on weekend-long treating binges or spend hours writing a single comment doesn't mean I have to quit. I just have to approach things differently. The biggest thing will be learning to write in short bursts and let fics come together over time, instead of getting deep into the zone and churning out thousands of words in one long sitting. Can I actually make a change that big? IDK, it's literally the opposite of my lifelong writing process. But it's either try or quit writing for the next few years, so. Might as well try. The other day I had a fic idea spontaneously come to me for the first time in forever. It's very modest, so probably the perfect kind of ficlet to start with.

I'm also thinking of signing up for Chocolate Box as a test run. The low minimum should make it achievable even if (when) I meet teething problems, and my commenting approach will just have to be 'as long as I can manage in a new, shortened sitting'. It's a bummer because I actually really LIKE slowing down to articulate every last tiny thing I love about my gifts, but it's not worth a noncommenting relapse. 2023 Lucy will be chilled-out, balanced Lucy who does her thing in moderation and neither misses out on all the fun nor stresses herself out trying to cram in too much of it.

Comments

[pauraque]

I struggle with all-or-nothing too. I will swing back and forth between hobbies such that when I'm doing a lot of multiplayer gaming I kind of disappear from fandom, and vice versa. One of my goals this year is going to be finding a balance so that I actually split my free time between both communities. We'll see how it goes!

[lucymonster]

Good luck to both of us! I suspect we’re probably far from alone with our issue, given how intense fandom - and gaming, for that matter - seem to get. Not sure whether they’re especially intense hobbies or whether (more likely, imo) they just attract really intense people. But whichever it is, I hope we can still enjoy the upsides of intensity while clawing a bit of balance back!

[snickfic]

*HUGS* I for one would be delighted to have you back in fandom in any capacity, and I bet those writers are delighted to hear from you, even a long time after the fact. <3

I hear you re: the struggle of figuring out a different way to do fandom. I've realized in the past year that I just don't really enjoy any part of exchanges anymore (except reading the collection when it opens, which I can do without signing up). So I'm just not going to sign up for anything for a long time and see what fandom is for me instead.

All of which is to say, best of luck. <3

[lucymonster]

Thank you! ❤️

I’m excited to see what fandom ends up looking like for you without exchanges. Having glanced through a few collections recently to find exactly zero presence for the corners of fandom I love, I’m a little worried the rosy glow could end up being gone for me too - I’m just not flexible enough as a creator enjoy taking part if there aren’t any requests I’m really excited about. So if that happens, I guess I’ll be joining you on your post-exchange journey? But I’m still optimistic. Maybe the people who love the things I love are just also on hiatus and will be back in 2023!

[snickfic]

Yeah, there've been a lot of exchanges lately where there just wasn't anything for me to read, and it's been a bummer. Any attempt I might make to keep the MCU feelings going is would be pointless, for example, because everyone else has moved on to the new TV shows and stuff.

OTOH I have fewer exchanges to split my attention between, which I guess is good. Yuletide had like TEN requests I wanted to write this year, and I would really like to finish at least one treat for it...

[lucymonster]

everyone else has moved on to the new TV shows and stuff

Yeah. :( Our little cosmic femslash circle lasted longer than it had any right to, but it’s clearly not where majority fandom trends are headed. It’s exactly the same with Star Wars. I’m intractably non-fannish about almost all the new TV so there’s really not a lot of hype I can join in with anymore.

Yay for all those good Yuletide requests, though! I hope you’re able to get one written. Still, what, a bit over a week to go?

[snickfic]

I did get several lovely cosmic femslash drabbles for the drabble exchange this summer! I was all excited like ooh, maybe I've lured in some new folks! But no it was all my same MCU friends whom I've been writing this stuff for years. 😂

Still, what, a bit over a week to go?

I'm not actually signed up, just treating, so that means I get the full 10.5 days until Christmas. I should go... see if I can write the first few words. I got my ideal more or less nailed down last night...

[lucymonster]

*cheers you on*

Also, yay drabbles! Shall have to add them to my long list of fic to catch up on.

[osprey_archer]

I'm sure the author was pleased to get the comment on their giftfic, no matter how long ago they posted it. Even if they were disappointed earlier - it's amazing how disappointment of that kind just evaporates when a gift is acknowledged.

I am rooting for you to figure out a way to make fandom fit into your new life! A modest little idea for a ficlet sounds like the perfect place to start experimenting.

[lucymonster]

Thanks for the encouragement! ❤️ I have tentative plans to try and write a few sentences during naptime today. See if the idea’s still there. (That’s another adjustment I have to make: leaving ideas to sit because I can no longer pounce on them the moment they arise.)

[dr_zook]

Personally I wouldn't mind as an author if you're commenting late-- that's life, right? I was only once pretty miffed during a Yuletide when my recipient was clearly alive, because they happily commented on literally every other fic posted, but not their gift from me, and I was like, dude, wtf. MANNERS? 😤

Good luck with getting back in the saddle!! Don't pressure yourself too much. ♥

[lucymonster]

Thanks for the encouragement. ❤️ And man, that’s disappointing about your Yuletide fic! Charitably I want to hope the recip just somehow didn’t see it, but some people do have strange ideas about manners.

[spookykingdomstarlight]

All or nothing about hobbies is sure a mood, but it sounds like you have a solid plan for finding a balance with the new life circumstances. Fwiw, I had to go through a transition in how I wrote from spending hours at a time to working in short bursts and it was indeed an adjustment at first, but I think it's a skill that can be learned! It was difficult at first to quickly flip to that mindset and remember what I was writing where I left off, but it did get easy and now it's really not hard at all to sit down, bang out a hundred words or so, and then swan off again.

Congrats on the ficlet idea. I hope it goes well and I hope signing up for Chocolate Box goes well! You always had the best sign ups when I did exchanges. It would be nice to snoop on your requests. :D

(I know you weren't looking for reassurances, but I think life happens to everyone and as disappointing as it can be to the creators in an exchange, it's just part of participating. Sometimes these things happen. And I'm sure your comments have brightened their day now that they're receiving them.)

[lucymonster]

I wasn’t fishing for reassurance, but I appreciate it anyway. ❤️ It was like ripping off a bandaid, coming back to write these comments, but I feel better now that it’s (mostly) done. I really hope my authors do too.

It’s also really encouraging to hear from someone who’s tried the same thing and pulled it off! I’ll remind myself to expect it to be hard at first, and persevere. It’ll be such a good skill to have if I can just, like. Actually make it work.

Also, thank you! 😁 I somehow have most of a CB signup written already - I started noodling with a single prompt, and enjoyed myself so much that the rest of it just kind of came together. Whether anyone else shares my ships anymore remains to be seen, lol.